Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Magic Bullet's e'mail of the week.

Hello. I ordered the This Will Destroy You self titled vinyl through a privately owned record shop that I really love supporting. It came in, I believe, in early February of this year factory sealed. Today I opened it up to play it for the first time and noticed extra etchings on each side of the two discs. They read as follows:

"MBL100-1-A I may have fucked my life up...
MBL100-1-B Flatter than hammered shit,

MBL100-1-C But I stand here before you today...
MBL100-1-D beholden to no human cocksucker."

I would like to know if this is some sort of weird thing that went along with the record because if it is not, I'd like to take it back to the shop, have another one ordered, and exchange it for one that doesn't have such marks, as I have a small child running around and wouldn't want him to happen across this sometime in the future. I mean, I don't know if this is a common occurrence with the record or if this is some employee error that someone needs to get fired over. But please let me know. I'd like to do something about it if this was a mistake.

Thanks very much,


The e'mail, by itself, brought enough laughter and high-fiving over on this end. But, as a wise-man once said, "if it's worth doing, it's worth over-doing. The next step was to escalate and make a contest awarding the best possible response. Dozens and dozens were received and, in the process, some amazing revelations about "Kelly" were unearthed. We'll go chronologically through the results and events. Some of the top early submissions:


Dear Kelly,

I am so sorry your child may have been exposed to this shocking content, but i have good news, you found the winning record from our recent 'Shocking AH' promotional contest in conjunction with Decibel Magazine, Wiggle Media, and Tanzen Promotional Holdings LTD.

If you provide a picture of yourself with the record showing us your shocked reaction we will post your picture on our blog and provide you with an all expenses payed vacation to the holy land courtesy of Tanzen Promotional Holdings LTD. Congratulations!

Included in your prize package is the regular version of this record along with the special edition with 20 minutes of deleted digital content including outtakes, an interview with the band on sitting down as a part of performance, and a short track of me pronouncing the names of my favorite fruits. I apologize again for any trouble on the homefront this may have caused but i hope that winning this prize package will make up for it.

Yours in Christ,

Brent Ubungu Eyestone

CEO Magic Bullet Records Inc


Dear Kelly,

As President, CEO, Czar, Emperor, King, and Grand Poobah of Magic Bullet Records I would both like to offer our sincerest apologize and an explanation for your, shall we say, unique record. Magic Bullet is an equal-opportunity employer, and as such, we have a special needs individual working at the plant.
For obvious legal reasons, we cannot release his name, but rest assured that he is in fact retarded. We'll call him 'ughbrabra,' or 'u,' if you will.

U has had a rough couple days. Earlier this week, as you may have heard, Barack Obama told him on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno that he doesn't know how to bowl. U has been bowling for a week and a half now, so naturally, this was very upsetting to him and as a result, he defamed your record. How would you feel if Barack Obama told you that you couldn't bowl? I hope you see where he was coming from.

We'll have a new record on the way as soon as possible, but in all future life dealings, please be sensitive to the situation because who knows, your next child may be a 'U'.

Sincerest regards,
Brent Eyestone

I run this shit


Dear Kelly,
Your lifestyle will determine your deathstyle.


Dear Kelly,

I am sorry to hear about your predicament. If your kid is offended by a piece of art, then having you as his mother was a mistake that I feel very deeply about. Sadly, no one can be fired over this quandry.
Thanks for the money, though. Here is a picture of it:


Sincerely, Brent Eyestone CEO, Magic Bullet Records


my record was pressed with a hole in the center, so when i put it on the player, it looks as if it is being violated. i don't want to expose my child to such a violently arousing thing such as this. i would be comforted, as a parent, if someone was fired for gross display.


Dear Kelly

Are you from Maryland, you piece of shit?

Brent Eyestone/MBR


dear kelly,

thanks for bringing this to our attention.
this is a manufacturing 'defect' our records are manufactured in china and we believe this to be the work of a rogue and disgruntled employee with a firm grasp on the english language. (it IS china, more than likely we'd be disgruntled too). as there are a large number of them, it would be impossible to find the guilty party and if found they would, in all likeliness, be executed.

i appreciate your business and would like you (and your child!) to enjoy the record. please let me know if you'd like tips on removing the etching.


brent eyestone, esq.


Dear Mrs. Kelly,

We appreciate your comments in and your taking the time to express your opinion. Feedback from our customers is very important to us.
Your opinions have been forwarded to our Product Development Department as well as our Marketing Department. By bringing this matter to our attention, you are helping us to formulate better consumer satisfaction regarding our products.

Thank you for the opportunity to correspond with you,


Brent Eyestone
Senior Consumer Representative


Then, a dramatic development occurs. One of the contributors finds a thread on another messageboard where 'Kelly' is not only posting about the etchings, but calling other users "dipshits" and the like. Further, she has an icon that simply says "White Drugs." Here is the link:


From there, users find out all of her public information (from that site - all that she volunteered herself) and unleash havoc... the quality of the proposed response e'mails ratchet up tenfold:


Dear Kelly,

Thank you for your inquiry regarding your recently purchased Magic Bullet item!

While I certainly understand the contents of the matrix etching are certainly not anything for little eyes I really must ask you which is more likely--your small, but presumably highly literate, child reading these tiny little etchings and being exposed, presumably for the first time, to swear words or your small but still highly literate child looking over your shoulder while you post on the forums at afterthepostrock.com and seeing your avatar which says simply (in much bigger letters than the matrix in question) "WHITE DRUGS" Which of these is going to be easier to talk yo your child about--swear words or cocaine?

Remember, protecting your sweet, innocent child starts at home, not at the pressing plant.

At any rate, I will not be doing anything about your complaint because I too am beholden to no human cocksucker, you human cocksucker.




While this is happening, people start locating photos of Kelly, the baby in question, her pubic tattoos, her breast tattoos, and her various boyfriends. Information that she's a former junkie-turned-born-again-Christian also surfaces... A tidbit from her online diary:


Tue Dec 18, 2007 1:38 am

I had a drug problem a while back. A friend of mine and I would do them all the time together. We justified it by having a set of rules that we weren't allowed to break to one another. I broke them all the time behind her back. I left home several times and was homeless from Michigan To California living from the streets to the middle of the Missouri woods. I'm glad I've maintained sobriety. Everyone in my life is so amazing. I was the only one who had the biggest problem forgiving me. I wouldn't trade my family for the world and to this day sometimes feel remorse for the pain I brought upon them.

I used to get drunk all the time. Even at school in highschool. I had a friend whose mom was a meth addict and would buy me Vodka all the time to keep my mouth shut. I'd spike my Gatoraide or OJ with Vodka every day and drink all day afterwards. I was in the marching band and would have Vodka bottles instead of waterbottles on the field.

To each their own. But I'm not gonna get myself all wrapped up in that shit again. And can't associate with anyone who is.

I'm just an at-home mom. But before that, I managed a record store for three years. Which ruled. In my entire short-lived career there, I was held up at gun point three times.
My husband works for godaddy.com.


At this point, the Internet bears its teeth and lunges...

These photos:

become THESE photos within minutes of discovery:

And it just keeps piling on:


Dear Kelly,

I'm sorry to have offended anyone with this matrix etching. To clarify, the record is supposed to be that way, and no nefarious employee is to blame. However, let me explain. Let us take a close look at the etchings:

I may have fucked my life up...
Flatter than hammered sh*t,
But I stand here before you today...
beholden to no human c*cks*cker.

If you delve into the philosophy a little further, he is saying he is beholden to no human c*cks*cker. Demons aren't mentioned so this is clearly still a positive Christian message.

Again, sorry,
Brent Eyestone
Owner, Magic Bullet Records


Dear Kelly,

I regret to inform you that you have picked up the "dirty" version of the album. I don't know if you are familiar with the practice or not, but labels sometimes release "dirty" and "clean" versions of the same album, as some retail chains will only carry the clean version. The ones without the parental warning label are clean. If that sticker was missing, it was the store's fault.

I apologize, and will gladly take it in exchange for a clean version of this album. In addition to the different matrix etchings, several tracks are different. If listen very carefully, on "They Move on Tracks of Never-Ending Light", a grumbling voice can be softly heard in the background saying the phrase "motherf*cking c*cks*ckers". The new matrix etchings are as follows:

MBL100-1-A Kelly, I am sorry...

MBL100-1-B No, that name wasn't just a coincidence,

MBL100-1-C I really mean you, Kelly Lastname...

MBL100-1-D all the members of this band raped an entire petting zoo once

Thank you for wasting my time,
Brent Eyestone
Owner, Magic Bullet Records


Dear Kelly,

You're a former meth head, you should know what to do. It's just like a pistol, scratch off the serial number so they don't know how many bodies are on it. Don't you listen to rap? Jeez, listen to more rap. Do I have to tell you how to do everything?

Don't worry about the BATF, they don't monitor records. Just alcohol, tobacco, and firearms, like the name says. Just those three things. NOT RECORDS.

Speaking of the BATF, would you like to join my militia?

Posse Comitatus,
Brent Eyestone
Colonel, Virginia Irregular Militia "The Flying Magic Bullets Squadron"


Dear Kelly,

These markings are indeed common to all of the records pressed. It is a common practice for bands to request personal comments or messages to be etched into the vinyl. This Will Destroy you requested these phrases be made visible as they are being broadcast subliminally through their music. In fact, each track is full of subliminal messages. The band requested many of their messages to be included, but these were the only ones that I could accept. Many of the original suggestions offended my own sensibilites. Here are some of the other messages included in the record that were not etched into the matrix:

"Rub Italian dressing on my taint"

"Shit or get off the Pol Pot"

"The Holocaust never happened"

"What good are these hookers...

without any cocaine?"

"I met Jesus at a bear bar"

If you have a record player that is able to play records backwards and at 16 rpm, many of these messages are easily heard. I suggest of course that you do not do this while your children are around!


Brent Eyestone
King Of Fuck Mountain


It's spiraling out of control at this point... people uncover multiple photos of her pubic tattoos, a NIRVANA CHESTPIECE, and all kinds of hypocrisy. Full details can be found in the original (and still developing) Viva La Vinyl thread, of course.

I'll end it here with one of my favorites:


Dear Kelly,


You and your wonderful child, who is an absolutely adorable little one, judging from the pictures i have seen, should be at the gate of the MBR factory at fifteen minutes past 9 am tomorrow to start your unique visit. Expect a day full of wonders and a marvelous experience all around! Just Magic!

Much love,
Brent Wonkastone

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